What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?

What does a Healthy Relationship Looks like ...

you have to be honest with yourself

about why are you still here why are you

holding on what's really driving you you

don't feel like starting the process

over with somebody else so even though

you're not feeling it with him you're

wasting your time.

.

.

what are the signs that someone deeply

loves you because I feel like we live in

this world where we're always wondering

do they love me do they like me do they

really like me are they really into me

how do you know when you deeply love

someone and when someone deeply loves

you how do you even know so I'm gonna

start with an answer that people

probably won't expect

to me the first key is do you truly love

them

because look at it like this to me a lot

of people get caught up in infatuation

um they have unhealthy attachments they

have different motivations to why they

decided this is the person that I want

and that can make them feel like they're

in love but to me true love flows both

ways it's not a one-sided thing so when

you can say I I'm not into them like

that if we look deep into that situation

I can almost guarantee what we'll find

is infatuation attachment something else

but when you can say no I feel it too

I'm deeply in love with them I think

that's your first key because without

that nothing else matters because a lot

of people are choosing Partners based

off of what they love me so much so I

assume it's safe here and this is a good

choice to make but the safe choice is

usually the wrong choice and a lot of

these people select this individual

thinking everything's going to be okay

but because you're not really into them

you can never be what they need and they

were never truly what you needed which

is why you never even got to that level

with them so to choose them without

first evaluating do you truly love them

would not be wise yeah that's that's a

great question and I think people

struggle with that question too because

I think we think of love as so many

different things wrapped into one for

example I could think I love someone

because of how they treat me I could

think I love someone because they have

one quality that I really wish I had or

I could love someone because I think

that they're out of my league and they

give me a bit of attention yeah and so

what we think is love

is so complex and so wide that we never

stop to ask ourselves like what does

love mean like what's the definition of

love like how do I Define love so how do

you define love and how do you encourage

other people to create their definitions

of Love well for me first off is always

God is love and then when we take it

from there love is about kindness

compassion patience understanding a

willingness to be selfless important to

that individual but I think what's also

important for people to understand is

when we're trying to apply it to

romantic relationships we have to

understand that there's other

ingredients that are necessary before we

can move forward so you could love

someone dearly but if they are not

emotionally ready because maybe they

haven't healed from their past maybe

there's still some things that need to

work out in their life then it wouldn't

be time to move forward in a

relationship with them and we have this

bad habit of the minute we feel like

there's love there we want to move

forward exactly and as you mentioned we

can get caught up sometimes in but we

love them because of what they do for us

but what are you prepared to do for them

love is about giving all right so we

have to ask ourselves okay do we know

what their needs are are we willing to

fulfill those needs because if not maybe

this wasn't love maybe it just felt good

in the moment maybe you got caught up in

the hype and that's okay it happens to

almost all of us if not all of us at

some point in life but we have to just

be real very clear with ourselves about

what's really driving the intention

right now but I think all those things I

mentioned is what encompasses love of

and that's like the foundation of it and

then from there we have to look at some

other things to see how we can move

forward so many times like you you

convince yourself something's love and

what I find really interesting is that

so many people fall in love too fast and

no one wants to go for the slow patient

understanding love which is what love

requires you just said love is kind love

is patient love is understanding those

things take time I think those things

take time to nurture and to to make sure

that we're doing it correctly for each

other so it's about learning each

other's Love Languages and how we make

it work in within that Dynamic I think

also because so many people are not used

to dealing with emotions at on that

level being that vulnerable people

mishandle it all right so it takes time

for us to get to a place so we

understand how to manage this and work

through this however I think that I'm a

huge believer in connection and I

believe connection is like your spirit

recognizing its match and it's very

instant when you speak to couples who

said they experience a connection

they'll tell you first conversation

first time meeting first date first week

it was pretty fast so to me the the

recognizing of something deeper being

here can happen very quickly but how we

now cultivate that and how we move

forward is where we need to take our

time and make sure we're not rushing and

overlooking certain important issues

that need to be discussed and addressed

first to me it's the understanding of

chemistry versus compatibility and the

idea that there needs to be a spark

there needs to be a connection that I

feel with someone like you're saying on

a deeper level but I find that I find

that most people are not

Adept and knowing whether the connection

they feel with someone is deeper or

physical yeah like I would say that it's

easy to it you can often feel a spark

with if you meet a lot of people you can

feel a spot with a lot of people but

that doesn't mean that they're the right

person to build a relationship

absolutely right yes so it's connection

to me is a very rare occurrence right

yes so I feel that people who've

actually experienced it they can tell

you maybe once in their life if you're

lucky two times maybe all right but it's

not this thing that happens with

everybody whereas chemistry uh feeling

of spark these things can happen with a

lot of different people yeah so I do

think there's there's this education

that's needed to understand how we

differentiate these things so that we

don't confuse them because I see a lot

of people take that chemistry and think

oh this is it this is the one it's like

but you had chemistry with the last five

people why is this one the one and not

them so I do think we have to be careful

with that yeah I think so so we're on

the same page there's three things

there's connection on the deeper level

there's chemistry which is like the

spark on a more superficial level and

then there's compatibility which is like

what makes get lost and I can relate to

that with my wife I definitely felt so I

I'm one of those people who I kind of

knew from the first few moments when I

met my wife before she was my wife was

like I was like yeah this is my person

like I felt that way yeah for sure I

felt that connection

and there was chemistry there too but it

had to be turned into compatibility in

order to create a long lasting

relationship we've been together for 10

years we're still learning building

going through everything but that was a

big part of it so that I can get behind

is do you see it that way too or is

there something different in so how do

you see it believe it or not I used to

make compatibility the least important

but that was because I was looking at it

the wrong way once I kind of looked at

the definition again and compatibility

is about two people coexisting in

harmony yeah then I was like okay no you

you have to have that I just I got

caught up more so in like let's say a

dating site says okay we're gonna decide

who's compatible so I view compatible as

like an on the paper it looks good it's

supposed to match but you can have a lot

of people who are supposed to be

compatible and it doesn't work

absolutely so I think that it's

compatibility is that add-on once we

have the connection and the chemistry

now we have to create that Harmony which

is the compatibility yes I agree with

you and and it is interesting how that

word compatibility is thrown around and

you're so right that

compatibility on paper doesn't mean

compatibility in real life exactly and

to me

compatibility really has another word

inside of it which is like adaptability

and

that deeper understanding of an

individual where you know how much

you're willing to adapt around certain

parts of the relationship but we'll get

to that I think a lot of people like you

know and and that's where we got into

this conversation around what is slow a

lot of people are waiting

to feel like is this person wasting my

time are they the one and so they don't

have a deeper connection maybe they had

that spark of chemistry and now that's

kind of subsided

how do you know if someone's wasting

your time how do you know if you're

letting yourself be used or wasted in

that way so to me again I think it

always starts with self and you have to

be honest with yourself about why are

you still here why are you holding on

what's really driving you because just

use an example let's say you're a woman

and the only reason why you're holding

on to this guy is because he's a nice

guy you don't feel like starting the

process over with somebody else so even

though you're not feeling it with him

you figure let me try to make it work

you're wasting your time this is where

you're setting yourself up for disaster

every single time so if it's not born

out of a true connection love a genuine

desire you really like this individual

of course there's always things we have

to work through but is the foundation

strong enough for us to say okay we can

make something special here and I think

once we are honest with ourselves that

kind of helps answer the question

because sometimes we get so caught up

trying to animal lies the other

individual that is like we get in our

heads and now we're missing the mark on

what's really important here and we

can't always

say for sure what's going on with them I

will say that in general if this person

isn't willing to talk about things

they're wasting your time if they're not

willing to address or correct things

that have been talked about they're

wasting your time if you guys aren't on

the same page about what you want and

where you want to go in life wasting

time so there are some things I think we

can just look at and say listen this is

pointless here but a lot of times and I

have to say this especially for women

women's intuition is extremely powerful

I'm a huge believer in it and I feel

like women know very early this isn't it

but they rationalize reasons to convince

themselves to give this man a chance and

this again is a waste of time because it

just doesn't work I've seen people

turn what should have been maybe a

couple weeks of dating into years of

being married to someone they were not

happy with

all because they did not listen to

themselves from the beginning they knew

what it was but they just could not

accept it for what it was yeah and I

love that point on intuition it's almost

like when a relationship finally ends a

lot of us think to ourselves I knew they

weren't right yeah like I knew it I knew

that they weren't the one but you just

didn't listen to that part of yourself

yes so so let's break it down for people

let's help people out we started talking

about three very important words

connection which you defined chemistry

which we've defined in compatibility

which we've defined how do people know

the difference between connection and

chemistry when they meet someone because

I find that

the science shows that you're

experiencing dopamine and cortisol at

the same times you're experiencing the

reward chemical and stress chemical at

the same time which gives you that

chemistry feeling which is the feeling

of butterflies in your stomach or like

do they like me are they into me what

should I wear that kind of feeling but

then you're talking about a deeper

connection

how do you hear the difference because I

think a lot of us just get swept up in

the feeling of I'm So Into that person

they're so into me how do you know so I

think one is are you even being yourself

or can you be yourself with this

individual if if you're presenting your

representative then this is not a real

connection this is them falling for that

person that you're presenting but that's

not real so to me you have you should be

already being yourself but with that

person you have a connection with it's a

more natural flow we don't have to force

it we just feel so much more comfortable

around them I think in addition to that

is when you when you find yourself all

caught up in the moment and caught up in

that chemistry again you have to ask

yourself what am I really attaching

myself to what about what do I really

like about this individual what I find

is that when it's really about chemistry

we're still on the surface you don't

really know about them yet you just know

you guys had a good time maybe you had

fun at this event you guys were able to

talk about a lot of different things

which is great which is gonna also be

important if there is a connection

however do you even know what college

did they want do you know what kind of

Life they want to live you know are you

guys really on the same page I think

connection is our paths align our

purpose is align so for us to align we

have to have a deeper understanding of

where we're headed and can we head there

together so so that's why I think though

you may feel it or you may feel like

you're feeling it you have to do your

due diligence to dig deeper to find out

okay is this just I got caught up on the

surface or there is something real here

yeah and I think once we ask enough

questions because I think that's the

other big problem we have this

experience where we feel this chemistry

we're so excited and now we're afraid to

ask questions because we don't want to

blow up the fantasy yes you know what

I'm saying we're just like no no I want

to keep believing this is great so let

me not ask anything let me not run this

person away let me not rock the boat but

that's going to be what tells us if this

is real or not yes I think you're I

think you've hit on something there like

we're so scared of losing someone that

we're okay with not asking important

questions and discovering important

truths that actually define whether this

relationship is going to last absolutely

and that is ultimately going back to

your point earlier that is ultimately

you not being yourself right you're

losing yourself scared that you're going

to lose the other person so you're okay

with not being yourself do you think

it's ever okay this is a funny question

I think but I have to ask you because I

think it's a healthy discussion

do you think it's ever okay

to present different sides of yourself

in order to attract someone or do you

think that you're ultimately setting

yourself up for failure in a

relationship almost like I think a lot

of people they may not become someone

completely different but I think a lot

of people are like oh I'm gonna show my

smart side because it will attract this

person or I'm gonna show my this side

because they're like that are you saying

any of that kind of molding is unhealthy

or do you think there's room for that I

think anything that is not sustainable

is unhealthy so look at it as if I'm a

man and I'm meeting this woman I want to

impress her so I'm like okay I'm gonna

try to spend all my money take a nice

five-star restaurant all these things

but deep inside I prefer a more simple

lifestyle you know I don't like all that

extra stuff okay that's horrible that's

a sale for disaster that's unhealthy

because you can't sustain what you're

presenting to that individual that's

gonna draw them in so whatever it is

another like common example is you'll

have women who love to communicate they

want to be able to talk to you every

single day but because they're afraid of

coming off a certain kind of way they'll

hold back on their communication so now

they'll make it seem like they're okay

with talking every now and then we don't

always have to text

and then this guy falls for that he

falls for this low standard I won't call

low standard but not having such a high

expectation of him when it comes to

communication then he finally gets with

the woman her true self is going to come

out at some point no one can suppress

their true self forever it comes out and

now it's like what is this I did not

sign up for this now we're fighting now

we're stressed because you want him to

call you more he was used to you not

being worried about it so much that's

why it's going to always not work out so

it's extremely unhealthy unless we're

presenting a side of us that is truly us

and we can sustain it you've hit on

something again that that

at the beginning of relationships we

often display

unrealistic standards and we set those

yes and then when things shift and now

you're back in reality again the other

person's like but wait a minute I

thought you were really into me and I

even went through that with my wife when

we first met

I was able to spend pretty much every

day with her because I didn't have a job

and so I was looking for work I was

applying I would go see her at her

College every day and I would spend the

day with her and I'd be in the library

applying for jobs while she was studying

yeah and I could see it every day and I

think I saw every day potentially for

like six months maybe every single day

five days a week at least

and then when I got a job that wasn't

the case anymore because I was at work

now and I'd set this unrealistic

expectation that we could see each other

all the time and even in the beginning I

would see her all the time because I'd

spend time with her family but we

wouldn't spend time with my family

because I hadn't told my family yet and

so now that my family knew we were

trying to split the time and all of a

sudden it was like wait a minute we used

to spend time at my house and so even in

little things like that it took a bit of

adapting because I'd set a false

standard in our relationship and then

thankfully my wife was adapting and she

understood and she got it and it was

fine but I think for so many people you

set unrealistic expectations in who you

are yes and that's hard to come back

from absolutely yeah and that's why it's

so important for us to know who we are

so that we can present the real from the

jump you know because again A lot of

times people you know this idea that

we're always changing yes I do think

we're always evolving but some of the

big shifts that you see are is not

because that's just the way life is it's

because you did take the time to figure

yourself out first and then you got with

this person and now you want them to

adjust now thank God for you she was

able to adjust but there's a lot of

people that they can't handle that yeah

and now everything falls apart from

there so that's why yeah we have to be

very careful with what we're presenting

from the beginning yeah it's I I agree

with you on that that we think people

change but actually they just start to

understand themselves exactly they went

from being completely unconscious about

who they were you met an unconscious

version of a person yeah and now you

think they're changing but they just

became conscious of who they are

absolutely and but the thing is Stefan

as you know like Society doesn't

encourage that time of getting to know

yourself right when you're young you're

not trained in how to think about who

you want to be you're trained in

thinking about what you want to I do

it's about your job it's about your

career you're not thinking about who you

are as a human being or as a person

so how do we in this Society where

understanding who you are is not clear

it's not encouraged

where where does one start or where have

you kind of found great insights in

trying to discover who we are I would

love to see more parents

encouraging their children to explore

how they're feeling about who they are

like what I have found is a lot of

people who let's say I I had one client

where she wanted to be an actress when

she was a little kid uh but parents kind

of push in a different direction now

she's like a social worker but her

desire is still to be an actress like

the things that they they wanted to do

they they want to do as an adult now you

can find back in their childhood in a

lot of cases so I feel like too many

people have stifled their children's

growth in certain areas with limited

ideas of well this can't make money or

this wouldn't be a good look for the

family or whatever the case may be it's

like no let them walk in it and see for

themselves if that's really where they

belong outside of that for me I think

the big thing is getting in tune

spiritually I'm just a huge believer in

that I feel like me finding myself was

when I went into what I call my

Wilderness period I kind of just shut

everything off that I was doing because

I used to be all over having fun

partying all these different things

things and then God kind of slapped me

upside my head and I had to like really

pull away from everything and go deeper

from within and it felt like a process

of breaking me down to build me right

back up and that's when I start to see

things clearer because what I realized

is the world is filled with distractions

and it's the distractions why we can't

see ourselves for who we really are if

we simply shut off the distractions long

enough you will learn a lot so even if

someone just took a year off

don't worry you know limit the TV you're

watching limit the music you're

listening to limit all the internet

stuff just really go deeper within

yourself spend more time alone spend

more time you know thinking and

processing you will learn a lot because

again a lot of it is it isn't a problem

of we don't know ourselves we are not

aware and we're not willing to accept

and once we allow ourselves to do those

two things become aware and then accept

it we become free yeah I I mean I agree

with you I think that I've always been a

big proponent of solitude to understand

who you are because as soon as you have

another person you now have another

person's opinions you have to filter yes

as soon as you have another person in

front of you you have another person's

judgments to filter and so now you can't

even say what you truly think about

something because you're constantly

thinking what does that person think

about me and my beliefs and so

understanding your beliefs in solitude

allows you to be really clear about what

your values and beliefs are and and

that's what it's there for

I think when people get into if we

switch to compatibility again the idea

we talked about the difference between

connection and chemistry but

compatibility is really interesting

because a lot of people believe that

relationships should be hard and they

require hard work and a lot of people

believe relationships should be easy and

everything should just flow where have

you kind of discovered your lens on that

Spectrum so okay there's a there's a

couple ways to look at it I think that

most relationships and I'll even be more

specific most relations that involve

connection and true love are typically

hard

not because relationships have to be

hard but because most people have been

hurt by something in their life are

holding on to past traumas haven't

resolved it once they meet this

individual that they feel so strongly

about it is scary this is where things

get difficult it's the difficultness in

how do I handle this how do I manage

this you'll have people feel like

they're losing themselves but they're

not losing themselves their true self is

coming out and it's it's the self that's

been hiding behind that wall they've

been using for quote-unquote protection

but I always say the same module to

protect you the same as blocking your

blessings so now they're being pulled

from behind it it's it's makes them feel

some kind of way and again people start

to mishandle things you also have

situations where people are getting bad

advice like I'm gonna give one example

um there's this uh book called The Game

by Neil Strauss I don't know if you ever

read that book yeah it was great Neil

you know you you answer that world to

pick up artistry we learned it and he

was great with the women but then once

he found that woman that he fell in love

with all that stuff doesn't work anymore

so you have a lot of men being taught

how to handle women in general but they

don't understand that's not how you

handle the woman you truly love and so

now again you have individuals who

though they are truly in love with this

person they constantly mishandle it with

bad Guidance with fear and all these

things this is what makes it hard and

and I even think that a lot of times the

people who are supposed to be together

sometimes will have the hardest time

getting together but I believe that once

we're able to conquer that part of it

and actually come together it's not hard

yes it takes work I believe we have to

be conscious and mindful of how we treat

our partners how we show up being

willing to listen but I think it's so

much easier to do those things with

someone you have a connection with and

you're truly in love with it's gonna

always feel ten times harder when you're

in the wrong relationship and I would

argue the vast majority of people are in

the wrong relationship that's why

they're seeing it be so difficult and

when you see this whole it's easy

typically it's easy because you have two

people who are not digging deeper

they're they're trying to write out that

chemistry we talked about earlier for as

long as possible all right so yeah it

seems like it's great it's easy no

issues but it doesn't really work like

that because they're just not facing the

reality of the situation so I think we

we have to understand that there is

going to be some bumps in the road

because of all the things that people

have been through but once we're able to

come together and we know this is our

partner this is who we want to share our

life with it can get so much better yeah

and do you do you think that people have

just been given generally the wrong

education on how to deal with another

person in their life 100 yeah because

unfortunately a lot of individuals are

giving advice from a bit or hurt place

there and and they're trying to disguise

it as I'm just looking out for you no

you you have inhaled and you cannot

properly guide them in a positive and

loving Manner and I think that a lot of

people you know I always say it's funny

how we'll spend a lot of time getting

educated for the for the sake of our

careers and business but we don't do the

same for relationships and yet

relationships arguably are even more

important than that career business and

even if it's not a romantic relationship

just relationships in general your

ability to coexist with others connect

with others is extremely important if

you want that business to succeed you

have to learn how to establish business

relationships there's no way around it

so we have to learn how to talk to

people listen to people you know what

I'm saying and just make make things

work when we come together with other

individuals so I definitely think that

we're just lacking in a lot of education

and again too many because there's so

many voices on the internet now there's

just so much bad advice being given and

and the individuals giving it they may

be giving like let's say

80 of the advice is accurate but it's

that 20 that's completely off that can

derail everything and that's the stuff

that people are gravitating to and this

is causing a lot of problems can you

give us some example of some of the like

not specific people or anything like

that I just mean like could you give

example of bad advice and what about it

is bad or unhealthy for people to try

and put into practice okay so one thing

I heard recently was an individual told

uh said some of the best advice you can

give to men is to not fall in love

you know basically just find a woman you

want to be with and kind of keep it

there the reason why I view that as

horrible advice is because you sit down

with any man who's lived enough life

they will all be able to say there's

been at least one time they fail deeply

for a woman all right the problem isn't

falling deep before a woman the problem

is we don't know how to handle it once

we get there the problem is because

we're not accustomed to handling and

processing our emotions a certain kind

of way and being this vulnerable we

don't understand what's going to be

required of us in that moment we also

kind of lose sight of because I'm a big

believer in masculine and feminine

energy and I believe that if she was

attracted to you because of that

masculine energy that you give off and

now you become this emotional wreck

because you don't know how to handle all

these feelings you have for her well you

start to become less attractive to her

and it's not that it's not fixable it's

fixable but again a lack of

understanding and awareness derails the

situation so rather than telling men

don't fall in love because it's

inevitable let's teach them how we walk

in love how we make what I call Loving

in your masculine how you maintain that

energy and still be able to pour into

that woman in a way that allows

relationship to flourish yeah and how

does that work when I think obviously a

lot of people in that example that

you're giving if if the person is

attracted to someone because of their

masculine energy but at the same time

they want them to be empathetic and

compassionate and

kind which are generally seen as more

feminine energy how does that person

balance the two or is that is that not

how you're explaining is that no it's

about balance so we have to understand

we all have masculine and feminine of

course within us I'm a Believer in one

must be your dominant energy the other

is the one you tap into when necessary

so as a man you can walk in your

masculine and in those moments tap into

those things but you can't just stay

there all the time all right you can't

just become this needy emotional God

that's not going to work in the vast

majority of cases and so what happens is

there's this messaging that's being

thrown out there that women don't like

good guys I don't believe that's what it

is I believe that women become less

attracted when you don't know how to

exude and walk in your masculine energy

it's and and we're hiding behind the

label of good guy you can be a good guy

and still exude masculine energy and

that's the thing and we also think that

oh they like bad boys no if you look

deeper it's really the masculine energy

that that quote-unquote bad boy exudes

but what they desire is a mixture of

both the same way that we would want a

mixture of both we would want a loving

sweet woman family woman whatever or and

if you're a guy who wants a mask and

woman cool but you don't want her to be

just that you know you want her to have

the ability to tap into that other side

when necessary I think we all desire

that balance in our partner and I think

it's healthy and if we just learn how to

maintain it and how to nurture it we

would see greater success in

relationships yeah what are some of the

skills with with mastering that energy

that you think we're missing out on and

balancing that energy and knowing when

to be which and because the reason why

it's hard is I think we live in a binary

world right like you feel like you have

to choose like you're either a bad boy

or you're a good girl you are a doer or

you're a thinker you're uh winner or

you're a loser right like we think like

that and some people go okay you need to

be masculine or I can be feminine and I

I definitely

relate to what you were saying like I

believe that there is a lot about me

that is massively masculine in energy

using that language and terminology my

drive my ambition how I work my

strategic mind and at the same time I

consider myself to have a lot of great

feminine energy and qualities where it

comes to like empowering others and

nurturing and the ability to hold deep

compassionate space and be empathetic

which are all powerful qualities for for

everyone right Beyond gender they're

powerful qualities

and I appreciate and it's taken a long

time to know

when to be which and it's still and I

still make mistakes right there's still

sometimes like I should have been more

assertive I should have been more

affectionate so we live in a world that

finds it hard to hold two opposing ideas

at the same time yeah we don't know how

to do that in any sphere of life let

alone within ourselves so what are some

of the skills that we can learn in order

to nurture both those energies in a

healthy way inside of ourselves so I

think one it's going to require a lot of

if you're already in a relationship it's

going to boil down to a lot of

transparency and communication you know

her if you're that man trying to

understand that woman and when you can

walk in those two energies her being

willing to be honest and open about you

know what this was too much over here or

I needed some of this over here and in

time you're going to become more aware

and understanding it's going to be like

second nature to you you won't have to

overthink it and I think part of it is

not overthinking it it's kind of like being ourselves but understanding that

we have to learn when this is doing too

much and vice versa I also think that in

reality for a lot of men especially uh

when we're talking about relationships

and kind of losing that masculine energy

the the underlying issue is fear

all right when we become so afraid of

losing this woman we lose ourselves

and so a lot of men now fall into this

very feminine needy space because

they're just afraid we have to learn

that listen like to me I feel if your

partner thinks you're never gonna walk

away from them no matter what they do

you've lost

that's that's a horrible place to be in

we have to get to a place where we both

understand that as long as we show up

the way that we need to show up for each

other we have each other's back we will

be here but neither of us will tolerate

an unhealthy relationship and someone

who blatantly does not want to work on

making this better I would want my the

woman I'm with to feel that way and I

need to feel that way once we understand

that and you have the confidence of I

can walk away if I have to that shifts

your energy right there in itself and

now you don't find yourself falling into

that place where again you start to look

a lot more unattractive or for some men

they become yes men in their

relationships thinking that makes her

happy that's turning her off she doesn't

want you to be her yes man she wants you

to stand up for yourself sometimes give

your opinion give your perspective she

wants to be able to you know if anything

be able to have discussions with you

about these things not just you say

whatever you want whatever you want

whatever you want over time it becomes a

problem so I think that once we conquer

that fear

once we create a space where we can talk

about these moments and not feel some

kind of way I think sometimes men

are not they struggle with taking the

criticism from their partner men and

women we we all do when we feel when we

have actual feelings for someone you

know we don't care about you it's not as

big of a deal but we're emotionally

invested we're more sensitive to it but

we have to understand that these

criticisms are for the sake of making

things better and strengthening this

relationship so once we can get to that

place it's going to be so much easier to

grow in it and then I think it's just a

matter of understanding that it's this

balance isn't just for your relationship

so look at it like from a sports

perspective if I'm on a basketball team

there may be moments where I need to

take the lead and recognize all right

everyone else is down someone needs to

step up this is my moment and then

there's other moments where I realize

okay let's say we already have a team

captain let me show them that I can

follow serve do what needs to be done so

that the team can win it's just becoming

aware of what the moment requires you

know and again I think the more in tune

we get the more in tune we get with

ourselves and the more in tune we get

with our partner the easier it becomes

to find that balance that's the

challenge right the challenge is just

how much patience we have with ourselves

and others to realize that you walked

into an imbalance unbalanced situation

and now it's like how much patience how

much time are we going to give it to get

to that because the challenge is I think

we walk into a situation thinking it's

perfect whereas we should be walking

into a relationship knowing it's

imperfect absolutely and we're going to

learn and figure it out together

and I think that's what sets us up for

failure is because we walk into it going

it's perfect and deep down we know it

isn't but somehow we gloss over it

whereas I find when I know we're gonna

fight when I know we're gonna argue and

I know there's going to be disagreements

that sets me up to develop the skills I

need in order to navigate those things

yes but if I assume like oh we're never

gonna fight and I always get that right

we always meet someone who goes to I

mean a friend who goes to me Jay we

never fight I'm like how long have you

been together because I don't I don't

know anyone who never fights I get that

no one has to get to like yeah the

heights of fights yeah I did that I did

that it doesn't have to be a heated

fight but I don't know anyone who

doesn't disagree there you go all right

right I think that's important for

people to understand yeah there's a

difference yes you have some individuals

out there that'll say arguing is normal

it's healthy and to me it's like listen

if we're talking about arguing where

we're now Crossing disrespectful lines

negative lines you know the way that we

the tone we take with each other all

these things that's not healthy yes it

may happen you should be prepared for

that but it does let's not normalize it

just gonna keep doing this and it's it

is what it is but you're right to to be

with each other long enough and never

have a disagreement that's extremely

rare okay extremely rare and I do think

that again as you mentioned we have to

be ready for those moments we have to

understand and going back to how we find

that balance especially as men and even

for women it's recognizing so for

example if my partner is in a very

heated moment let's say she's in her

masculine right now all right she's

getting rough well meeting her with more

masculine is probably going to only make

things worse yeah this is the time for

me to be compassionate go to her hold

her calm her down bring her peace in

that moment you see because it we need

to balance each other out same thing on

the flip side if I'm all heated and I'm

I'm extra passionate and then my woman

now comes with that same energy that's

it now where button has this is her

moment to say no let me now be the one

to soften the moment up bring that

Sweetness in there and everybody calms

down so it's learning how to feed off of

each other and recognize okay they're

over here let me bring it back over here

and now we can work from that point and

we're both good the problem is that we

all see compassion and sweetness and

kindness in those moments as a weakness

we don't want to be that person because

we see that as losing we see that as

giving in we see that as us losing our

power and strength in a relationship if

we become the comforter or if we become

the carer right like that's that's a

perception that is the perception and we

have to change that that is the power

position so who is more powerful the

person that lets the energy dictate them

how they're going to react or the person

that brings the energy and dictates how

they're going to make this situation

play out

so if I'm coming in to calm it down and

being all sweet because I'm trying to

bring peace here I'm in the power

position I'm not losing anything I'm

gonna gain more peace and happiness and

Harmony if I succeed in what I'm trying

to do so we have to get out of that

mindset of this makes us weaker and that

is the big key of it that's a big

problem that for a lot of women who

struggle with their feminine energy

that's a big issue where they feel that

being feminine is weakness it's what got

them taken advantage of and got them

hurt but I always say it's not the

feminine energy that's the problem it's

who you give it to do they respect it

did they honor it you know it's the same

thing as a man does she respect your

masculine if she doesn't then that might

just be a sign you're with the wrong

person but don't stop being that guy

because the woman who's best for you is

going to need that in those moments that

that's exactly what it is is that when

people have been their best selves for

the wrong person

that person brings out the worst in them

yes right like when someone's been their

best loving kindness self but someone

took advantage of it that person now

thinks next time I've got to be

aggressive I've got to be you know

powerful I've got to be strong in this

way and I feel like that's kind of what

most people are dealing with we know

that is that you're just dealing with a

wounded version of someone yes not a

healed version of someone

but I think people struggle to trust

again and again especially when they see

the same patterns in the person they're

weird

and I guess the question is why do we

keep making the same mistakes because I

feel like a lot of us keep dating the

same people yeah and there's a part of

us that also just keeps closing off or

being more wounded it's almost like if

you cut yourself you now walk around

with your hand over that you don't

want to get cut again and then if you

lead it off and it gets cut even deeper

now you're even more conscious of that

and so I find that people are doing that

where they're closing their heart more

and more because it's been so misused

and abused and I understand that I

understand people don't want to be

abused and misused but I guess the

question is how do people find people

that they know respect them so that they

can be their best version or be a better

version of themselves so you know you

can't drive out Darkness with more

Darkness

you can't expose someone who's gonna

hurt you by being someone who's closed

off and holding back yourself

we have it's kind of what we were just

talking about we have to look at being

vulnerable loving and open as not just

well I'm setting myself to be hurt no

it's how you expose people faster if I

come with that energy and you cannot

respect it match it then I know you

don't belong here but if I hold back I

give you a free pass to hold back so now

we have two individuals who are hiding

behind their walls because it's

comfortable there but you can't really

see what's what do we really have in

front of us those walls are blinding you

and you can't properly evaluate the

situation so one we we got to get to a

place of healing from our past so that

we're not just walking around with the

hand over the cut no you you gotta let

the cup breathe you gotta let it heal

all right holding on put your hand on

there is delaying the process and like

you said all that's gonna happen is when

you finally take your hand off but

you're taking it off with the wrong

person and you haven't learned see what

I want people to realize is your actions

weren't the problem meaning you being

loving sweet kind compassionate wasn't

the problem it was the person

separate those two things that you don't

stop doing the good things now granted

are there levels to this to where we

have to learn again if I'm thinking

about a man if you got so deeply

emotional to where you kind of lost your

your masculine energy and you became

very needy okay you can say all right I

need to continue to be loving but I know

I have to learn how to draw a line I

have to learn how not to cross that

moment and again you only crossed it

because you were unhealthy to begin with

you only cross it because you were

afraid to begin with once you get to

that place where you're healthy and

confident you won't find yourself

Crossing that line anymore yeah you

won't tolerate certain things anymore so

we have to heal we have to be confident

and we have to let our light shine so

that we can expose what's in front of us

easier that's a brilliant answer I I

love the differentiation between how

sharing your light is not the problem

the person's the problem because

we yeah we start to doubt whether being

a good person a loving person is

actually what wins in the world yeah and

the truth is that it does win but it has

to win with someone who can receive it

and absolutely hold that space with you

and share that space with you

and I find that a lot of people keep

giving that energy to the wrong person

because we feel we can make them better

right like there's this feeling of like

I can change this person I can make them

better I can heal them there's some of

us want to fix people yeah and that

means we assume the person we're with is

broken and I think this is such a

subconscious thing like if you're always

critiquing if you're always

picking at stuff with your partner

chances are you don't think they're

great like just now you think there's

some issues with them when you think

that you can fix them and they're broken

tell us about that angle where now we're

almost we've talked about being the

loving and kind person but sometimes

we're being the person that

thinks we're loving and kind because we

want to improve someone but that person

doesn't want to improve one big problem

is that

what's really driving people to pick

that individual is that by being the one

that can upgrade you improve you I have

more value here by having more value I

have a false sense of security you have

to appreciate me you're less likely to

walk away you're less likely to cheat

because you're lucky to have me I feel

like I'm the prize here

but those situations never really work

because again you're choosing someone

that is not capable of pouring into you

the way you need you're basing this off

of what you could do for them and that's

not sustainable and you're choosing them

because again you have more emotional

control here what happens to so many

people especially women it's something

that I call the unhealthy love cycle of

women where women in their first love

experience outside of any childhood

trauma may have experienced they're

their most loving they're just out there

they go all the way in but that

typically happens at a younger age at an

age where men are not mature enough to

handle those kind of emotions that level

of commitment so on and so forth so she

gets hurt after she gets hurt her moment

is saying to herself I will never let

this happen to me again

so now the woman starts to consciously

or subconsciously choose men who are I

don't want to say lower than hurt but

essentially a man who does not take her

there he's good enough to be with but

I'm not that vulnerable with him he

can't hurt me like that first love hurt

me and so that Dynamic usually leads to

picking that person I can fix I can make

better who will appreciate and respect

me but again it doesn't work out and

many times you'll see these same

situations the guy will move on to cheat

on her not because and I have to say

this because some women think yeah he's

just being a man no not because he's a

man but because you chose a man that you

could never be the woman that he needed

and he could never be the man that you

needed once he kind of either gets what

he needs from you to build himself up

or the Smoke Clears from him being

infatuated with you he starts to realize

I'm not getting everything that I desire

and now you building him up has brought

him more attention from other women so

now the the difference between what

you're not giving him and what someone

else is willing to give him becomes way

clearer now the Temptation gets way

stronger and he ends up doing something

or she ends up cheating as well because

he's safe but he doesn't fulfill her he

doesn't satisfy her he he doesn't excite

her in any kind of way

and that's why I always said earlier

like the safe choice is almost always

the wrong choice but that is a function

of people trying to choose these fix or

uppers because they think it's going to

give them some leverage there it's

leverage that's it yeah it's leverage

yeah how do you know when it's time to

go like how do you know when it's like I

feel like this is a common question

where it's like how do you know when

it's just I've tried everything we've

tried together

tried our best maybe we went to therapy

maybe we got a coach or maybe you know

maybe we didn't do those things how do I

just know that I feel like I need to go

but I'm scared of being alone yeah I'm

I'm scared of dealing with the reality

that I put in a lot of energy and I feel

like you said this earlier but a lot of

people stay in something for a lot

longer than they should because they'd

rather not be alone yes they'd rather

not face reality they'd rather not lose

two years of their life they'd rather

lose two more thinking that this this

should stay like how do you know when

it's time to go let me first say this

yes I think I think Society needs to

change their thinking as far as

Letting Go doesn't always mean it can't

work out later

it's just that it cannot work out under

these circumstances all right because

some people say well I feel like they're

the one okay maybe they are but maybe

the time is not right and it's letting

go that will allow you both to do what

needs to be done in your own personal

lives that would allow you to come back

together and have something way more

amazing so that's number one thing to

consider but outside of that it's when

one if that person is unwilling to put

in the work necessary it's time to go

there's like so many times I'll I'll

have a video go up about communication

and someone will comment saying I've

tried talking to him and he doesn't want

to talk to me and in my head I'm like

why are you still with them if he

refuses to talk to you you've already

tried there's nothing else to do but

people will let it Linger on and

continue why they can why they

consistently complain or unhappy about

this specific issue it's not gonna

magically get better they're not gonna

just change it just because all of a

sudden they see oh it needs to change no

if they're fighting it now they have no

reason to change it and what people have

to understand you know especially with

this whole trying to fix people up

healing and facing your traumas is one

of the hardest things for people to do

so if they already have you in their

life

they're essentially getting the

incentive or the benefit of relationship

without having to do the deeper work

it's almost like if I'm at a job and the

job says you need to have a master's

degree to work here but we're going to

hire you anyway and give you time to get

that master's degree if getting that

degree is super hard to you you're gonna

drag that out as long as possible yeah

you may never get the degree until they

fire you when they fire you and you

realize oh my gosh if I don't do this

I'll never get this person back I'll

never get this opportunity back now they

might go and get it because it's very

tough to walk down the path of the

healing process so if they're not

willing to work on it you guys have

already discussed it and I think that's

a big thing because there's a lot of

relationships that end and the couples

don't even know what the real issue was

so the communication they'll say well we

talked about no you guys argued you guys

lashed out there wasn't a clear

communication as to what the problem was

what is expected how do we go about this

if you've done that and I believe one of

the most effective ways to do that is

through a letter

because I feel like verbal communication

of deep issues and concerns they

typically don't go well you know people

get distracted they forget what they

want to say the other person gets

defensive they're not they're listening

to rebuttal not to understand but when

there's a letter involved it gives you

time to get everything out you can you

can evaluate your tone leave no stone

unturned and now they have an

opportunity to process it on their time

to really take it in and then you guys

can come together and discuss the letter

and now it's so much easier to stay on

point and get everything covered if

we've done that and they're still

unwilling or there's still no progress

It's Time to Go yeah that's great that's

great advice and I for me that's the

biggest one it's like you can't

make something last if only one person's

working on it you can't keep hoping and

waiting and wishing and and like you

said that ending doesn't mean forever

and often I found that two people need

to grow individually to be able to grow

collectively and we're forcing growing

together so hard but we need space to

grow and

if you can't grow together chances are

you need to grow apart in order to see

whether you grow together again or grow

for someone else and all of those

options are okay but we put so much

pressure on people to grow together that

they grow apart yeah and actually if

they chose to grow apart and grow

separately they could come back together

if they learn the lessons and I think

that's a mistake too though sometimes

people think I'm gonna go learn this

lesson for this person I meet a lot of

people they're like okay they broke up

with me because I wasn't XYZ now I'm

gonna go become XYZ to win them back

yeah and I always find I'm just like

well no you should go become XYZ if you

think you were missing XYZ but not to

win them back because you don't know

what they're gonna do what's your take

on people trying to win people back so I

100 agree with you like if we're trying

to learn or grow it needs to be for the

benefit of who we are and just whoever

we deal with so was almost like if I was

a bad Communicator in this relationship

depends on what the details of the

situation was what led to the breakup

what were you overlooking what was

missing are these fixable issues because

a lot of people are trying to win back

someone where the issues are not

resolved so it's like what's the point

of going back we're just going to go in

the same cycle all over again they're

letting this idea of I miss them I don't

want to be without them blind them from

the fact that you two did not get along

well or you two don't want the same

things or YouTube just whatever it is

maybe there's a lack of sexual

satisfaction I don't know why I feel the

need to mention that but it happens a

lot of times you have to stay focused on

what led to the end and can this be

corrected if it can cool but as you

mentioned listen correcting it does not

guarantee you they're coming back

and even if they will come back you

don't know when

they may need so you may have figured

yourself out in six months they might

need a year

and I would argue if you guys are truly

meant for each other and at the end of

the year you need a year too you're just

overlooking some things and you're

rushing the process because you want to

get back to them yeah it's I've never

found a situation where it was truly

only one person who had problems and the

other person was squeaky clean no no you

thought you were but you got some stuff

too you needed to correct of course so I

think we have to be honest with

ourselves and just keep striving to be

better and rather than focus on winning

them back

just become the best you because if you

do and there's a true connection there

the opportunity will present itself

again and you too will be able to make

something of it and the struggle is that

when people finally make that decision

to break up or let go

the study showed that the parts of your

brain that are activated in a breakup

are the same as detoxing from cocaine

right like you're literally trying to

detox so you can have a craving yeah for

someone that's bad for you yeah or also

it says that the areas of the brain that

are activated in a breakup are the areas

that are the same with physical pain so

if someone like punching the stomach the

reason why we say like my heart feels

broken is because it literally feels

like something's broken yeah so when

you're going through a breakup when

you're feeling the craving to be with

that person again studies show that

eight over eighty percent of people are

looking at what their exes are doing on

social media right probably through a

Finster account or whatever but you have

to you have to know what are some of the

healthiest tips that you've given to

people and the people that you've worked

with that have genuinely helped people

move through a breaker the first thing

is to ask yourself again why was I even

there why am I holding on to this

individual again I think sometimes we

get so blinded by just the experience or

our desire to have this person for

whatever reason that we Overlook what

was really missing or why this could not

work anyway what you'll also find is and

I'm sure there's probably a study on it

where if you if they broke up with you

you ever see a situation it happens on

TV a lot where the person could be like

okay I'm gonna break up with my partner

they're planning on it they've been

practicing in their head right it took

them a couple weeks to muster up the

strength they're about to do it and then

the partner breaks up with them yeah now

it's oh my gosh I gotta get them back

yeah so it's like you just forgot this

whole time that was your plan yeah it

just gave you the past to do it but now

because we don't like to be the one

being let go of now we're fighting hard

to get it back yeah so we have to really

not fall into these little traps that

happen to us as human beings our brains

just playing tricks on us or something

where we confuse these emotions for oh

my gosh I must really love them or even

like you said you go into that detox and

because you miss I always tell people no

matter how bad the relationship was

there's always good moments so if you're

trying to break free you can't just let

your brain focus on the good moments you

have to remind yourself why this doesn't

work but if you keep focusing on the

good you start to make yourself think oh

because I missed this good moment I must

miss them and there's this quote that

says sometimes you're not missing the

person you're missing the feeling

so you've got to be able to

differentiate those two things so

getting back to how we get over these

breakups is recognizing why were we

really there to begin with you know

could this actually work the next thing

is you know I'm a huge believer that a

lot of times a breakup is a blessing in

disguise even if there is a chance that

you two can work together or this is the

one for you you may have needed this

time to re-evaluate and get things in

order something is obviously wrong even

if you it may be something as deep as

because I've seen situations where

everything was going amazingly well on

the surface and the person broke up with

them let's say the woman lets go of the

man so to the man that's really

confusing but what it was is that that

woman she had not healed from her past

relationships and this relationship

being so good was scaring her and what

happens is the the better you are the

scarier it becomes for her she's looking

for something to be wrong she has to

validate her fear somehow wow when she

can't find it she'll either sabotage the

relationship or she'll run from it So to

that man it may seem like this is so

unfair which yeah it sucks but if this

woman didn't break up with you now you

were inevitably gonna face this same

ending but at a worse time yeah all

right this is still best that is

happening now at least if she can go do

what she needs to do there's a chance

for this to come back around later but

it's hard for us to see it in the moment

so I think just really we also have to

focus on our healing whenever a breakup

happens the mistake we make is that we

think it's about healing from the

breakup no it's healing from everything

you've been through you've probably been

sleeping under the rug your childhood

trauma for years maybe the last two

three relationships whatever it is so

and and not healing from those things is

contributing to your struggle to get

past this breakup and contributing to

why you even chose this person to begin

with I'm a huge believer that if you

haven't healed you are 90 likely to

choose the wrong person yeah it's just

too difficult to pick that person that

you truly love and can truly love you

and accept that level of vulnerability

when you have still not resolved your

past traumas and past hurts yeah so to

me that's the next big thing is just

focus on your healing process because in

that process you will also be able to

see more clearly if this is really for

you or not like walking around unhealed

is like walking around with broken

glasses you you can't see straight no

matter how hard you try but healing will

clear up your vision really really fast

and now it'd be like oh wait a minute I

didn't belong there yeah you know thank

God the broke breakup happened you know

now I'm in a better place I move forward

so to me I think and I would say in

addition to those things is just have an

accountability partner whether that's

friend coach therapist someone that can

help keep you in check help remind you

what you need to do someone that you

know you have to talk to and update

what's going on so you feel like okay I

don't want to come back so I'm saying

I'm doing the same thing over and over

again it doesn't guarantee success but

it helps it helps move the needle some

so I would highly encourage that that

one mindset you spoke about that that

changes everything and it hit me today I

was just thinking

if we were just able in a moment to

recognize that something painful now

was going to be good for us in five

years time that would change so many

things in our life yes but we're so poor

at dealing with current pain yeah even

if it means future joy that we just

can't accept that I have to go through

this like in everything right like

knowing that someone breaking up with

you just saved you 10 years of a wasted

life

is so much more than knowing you're

gonna have to go through a few months of

pain and 10 months of pain maybe it's a

bit longer maybe it's two three years

but

we just have to get our head around that

that sometimes the best things that

happen to you are protecting more of

your life than the pain that they're

causing you need the Peace of knowing I

did what I needed to do that's it yeah

because anytime you feel like well maybe

I could have done this but I could have

done that leaves the door open for doubt

do it well exactly so it's like and

that's why I'm such a big believer in

you know there's people who say well

once they're done they're done they'll

just move on and I'm like no no Express

Yourself get everything off your chest

because you don't need anything to

linger and you questioning well what if

I did this different no make sure speak

your full piece and now you can say all

right I did what I had to do it is what

it is I move forward and I mean it makes

it easier it may not make it a hundred

percent you know not an issue whatsoever

but it's gonna be easier and also also

for me that's why like

my relationship with God is so important

because that's where I find my peace in

dealing with a situation that doesn't

work out the way I want to I always tell

myself okay if this isn't working out

God has something better for me you know

if this is happening right now there's a

purpose because I know if I followed his

guidance throughout this process there's

no need for me to question why is this

the current outcome there's a reason for

this and I've been through these things

enough times to see as you mentioned the

reward is going to come it may come next

week it may come years from now it will

come and I'll be able to see how it all

connected yeah Stefan it's been

incredible talking to you man this has

been such a great back-to-back flowing

conversation uh we end every on purpose

episode with the final five which is

like a rapid fire which means every

question has to be answered with one

word to one sentence maximum okay so

here are your final five the first

question is what's the best relationship

advice you've ever received or heard

or given it is to love fully lovefully

and be yourself because as I said

earlier that's how you will expose

quicker who is for you and who isn't for

you second question what is the worst

relationship advice you've ever heard or

received get under someone to get over

someone

[Laughter]

uh question number three uh how would

you define your current purpose in life

is to serve the people and help heal

hearts and help individuals experience

happier healthier relationships question

number four what's something that you

used to think was important in

relationships romantic relationships but

you no longer think is important I don't

know if I would say it's what I thought

it was that important but I I do think I

can talk about it now is the woman's

financial position

where I think once upon a time I may

have put more weight on that when I was

a lot younger and really because that's

what society and family told me was

important but now to me and and I can

say it because I'm successful that

financial position is not what's

important to me it's the love it's the

the environment in the household all

these things I mean of course I want her

to pursue her purpose and her passion

but what she has financially doesn't

move the needle at all got it all right

and then Fifth and thank you for opening

up and sharing that Fifth and final

question if you could create one law

that everyone in the world had to follow

what would it be the one that's coming

to mind is you must be honest if we

eliminated lying and deceit oh my God

like this world would be so much better

yeah so just you have to tell the truth

yeah that would be an amazing one yeah

Stefan .  

The above portion a conversation of a relationship expert Stephan 

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